People keep looking at my Overwatch character’s boobs.

I’ve recently taken to playing as the game’s newest healer, Moira. She’s an adaptable character with a good healing output without sacrificing offensive capability, and the skill needed in trapping enemies in her bouncy-ball-of-death makes succeeding with her even more satisfying.

Her design is grand too, as she looks like she could stamp on me until I am dead and, honestly, I’d be entirely fine with it. In her default skin, Moira wears a big, shadowy cloak and is covered in biotechnology – she looks remarkably like FANG from Street Fighter 5, if FANG was a scary Irish lady who I’d like to be murdered by.

Even better, she has a David Bowie-themed “Glam” skin that I adore – it androgenous, ridiculously colourful, and was worth every single bit of gold I spent on it. Except for one little sticking point… people now keep staring at Moira’s boobies. Ever since I equipped it, I’ve been subjected to a torrent of horndogs.

Moira is by no means the only character with bobbles. Widowmaker, Symmetra and D-Va’s outfits don’t leave a whole amount to the imagination, and Roadhog, Hanzo and Doomfist also bring their tiddies to the fight too (with nipples!).

But Moira’s different, because her default skin is fairly covered up. Her Glam skin puts her Danny Devitos on display (not even as a central feature. It just adds to the androgynous Bowie look), and it does something to the horny players of Overwatch.

Now it’s worth pointing out there’s no morality judgements here. Skins that show off a character’s Danny Devitos aren’t inherently a bad thing, especially when the rest of the design isn’t based around being overly sexualised. Plus I’ve stared at a Doomfist or McCree every now and then, so I can’t exactly criticise people for appreciating a good bit of character design.

But good lord is it disconcerting having a Torbjorn just stand in complete silence, staring not quite into your face for the whole of the pre-game warmup. Following. Never letting that small sliver of cleavage leave their screen. I’m worried about how much breathing I’d hear if I hadn’t disabled voice chat.

But things don’t get really “saucy” until I nab the much-coveted Play of the Game. Now my Moira’s Bristol Cities aren’t just on a small character model that is often too busy dodging bullets to stand and be looked at. Now she’s on-screen in full resolution, for the entire game to see and comment upon.

Screaming “TITTIES” through the in-game chat is, after being creepy, exclusionary and unwarranted, just a waste of the linguistic potential a good ol’ euphemism for a pair of Labradoodles can be. And why are they sending me friend requests at the same time? Do they know I’m not Moira? Do they not think for even a microsecond that I could be a 6’4” bearded gay dude who just happens to like the silly colourful skins? I’m not going to send you pictures of Moira’s boobs, friend, and I’m certainly not sending you pictures of mine just because you voted me up on the post-match screen.

I’m not going to argue that my time playing Moira has given me some magical insight into the harassment women face, because, even if it had, you shouldn’t need to hear it from a guy to know it happens and that it’s abhorrent that it does.

I’m just saying Overwatch players are weird and horny and that can cause uncomfortable moments.

Joe is LPVG’s resident hardware nerd. If it’s overpriced and has gaudy RGB lighting, he’s probably drooling over it. He loves platformers, MMOs, RPGs, hack ‘n slashers and FPS, with his favourite games being Mirror’s Edge, Left 4 Dead, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Oblivion and Dead Space. Don’t ask him about his unhealthily large Monsters Inc memorabilia collection. Seriously, just don’t ask…