There is iOS game called 20 Billion Wives. It’s a mechanically generic Cookie Clicker clone where you raise arbitrary numbers faster and faster to purchase .jpegs of fictional women. It’s short, and it’s not interesting.

However, you progress by marrying a near infinite stream of wives. I’m kind of enthralled by the idea of marrying more cute women than there are human being on the planet, so I’ve spent the best part of a week playing this absolutely mechanically bland husk of a video game.

I’m not going to try to convince you that this game is good. I will, however, tell you all about some of the 20 billion women I have married this week.

DJ Wife

I’m going to start with the obvious truth, DJ Wife is the best wife in this game. The medium blonde hair, tussled like she just finished a gig, the headphones around her neck as a fashion statement, the jeans and tank top, those killer leather boots, and the way she’s so cool and casual just scream confidence and charisma.

DJ Wife, you can play for me any time.

Furry Wife

Furry Wife was a surprise. I never thought I’d be excited to marry someone dressed like a huge headed bipedal cat, but over time I’ve come to enjoy purrrrrchasing new brushes with which to give Furry Wife the care, attention and love she needs.

She would never have been my first choice of wife, but as one of 20 Billion, I’ve come to see her adorable cuddly appeal first hand.

VR Wife

VR Wife is the most relatable of my wives. She’s so into video games that she’s fully committed to living in VR. You might think that’d be a barrier to romance, but surprisingly not. She’s consistant and predictable in her server choices, so I always know where to find her. She’s a constantly available player 2, with eyes laser focused on sucess, both in gaming and in love.

Wizard Wife

You might be wondering how it’s physically possible for me to have 20 Billion wives in a world where only 7 Billion-ish people live. Well, that’s all thanks to Wizard wife. She was one of my earliest wives, and thanks to her multiplication magic around 15 unique wives were dublicated into over 20 Billion.

The world economy is in ruins. Resources are scarse. I have an army caipable of destroying nations. I have 20 Billion Wives.

Wifezilla

Certainly not the most human of my wives, Wifezilla is a giant fire breathing lizard.

You don’t say no when a giant lizard woman demands you marry her.

She’s pretty helpful when I need to get into downtown Tokyo while avoiding traffic.

 

And there you have it, some of my favourite fictional wives. The game is still a pointless generic clicker game, but IU do have an inbuilt compulsion to marry as many wives as possible. I just need those wives. I need them. More wives. MORE. INFINITE FAKE WIVES!

Laura's gaming journey began in the 90′s when she was given a SNES by her older brother with Mario paint. From that day video games were all she thought about day or night, be it playing them, designing them, discussing them or writing about them.

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