(Editor’s note: header image by the brilliant Antonio Demico. While her maj’ would never admit it, he’s amazing.)
Undermas is a time for contemplation, a time for looking back over the year gone by and thanking me for not collapsing the many tunnels and caverns of the Underground dominion on your inconsequential heads. Undermas is a time for giving, and, more importantly, a time for being given to. A time to acknowledge those who have been less of a nuisance in the past twelve months, and thanking them for keeping out of your way.
I spend the rest of the year taking. This year I finally united the caveswamps of Dudley Below, and have taken major strides in my conquest of the world above. However now I (and by “I” I mean “my advisers”) give back to you, the Moleteriat, by acknowledging some people who my reign would have been potentially slightly less effective without. Only just though.
The first part of my overworld conquest has been my presence in the video games media, for reasons I shall not yet divulge. And so I must thank the team at Let’s Play Video Games for serving as a unique and effective vessel of my propaganda.
Vikki Blake has been awarded a Ladyship of DeepPowys for her services. Her wardship of Rhyl has been revoked, because nobody would ever, ever want that.
Laura Dale has been awarded Ladyship of Underground Devon for her services. It is worth pointing out that lord and ladyships mean literally nothing other than bragging rights because I am the bloody queen. These are purely decorative titles.
Joe Parlock has been named Royal Ambassador and IT Support of the Underground Court. His duties will be much the same as before, mainly getting out of the bloody way while I am podcasting, however now it’s official and stuff. He also gets Underground Birmingham and the surrounding market towns. I would’ve just given him Coventry Below but really, that would’ve been too underwhelming even for my standards.
Everybody who has supported the Let’s Play Video Games Patreon campaign, of which I have yet to see a single penny for the royal platform I have bestowed upon the site, have been awarded OMEs (Order of the Mole Empire) for their contributions to the cause.
On top of those OMEs, individual members of the Let’s Play Video Games community have been awarded knighthoods, and so may officially use Sir, Dame, or Ser (for the gender-neutral among them) in all correspondence with the Mole Empire:
- Every member of the Dad’s Jokes Jingles Facebook group, including: Xahl Dera, Jane Erith Magnet, Jeroen “Raven B Alpha 6” Heijster, Lydia Blezard, Ed Velasco, Chris Mc, Chris Smith and Matthew Everett Bradbury.
- George Johnson, for being the Royal Protector of the Royal Ambassador and IT Support at EGX 2016. They carried many cans of awful energy drinks over those three days and so are to be rewarded for their services. They also bought Joe breakfast, and bribery works wonders. They also drew a whole load of schlongs that are unfortunately no longer available. We remember your shlongs, George. We remember.
- Antonio Demico is named the Royal Painter. His duty is to paint me in all manner of positions for both public and private use.
- Jed Whitaker receives the post of Royal Gardener due to his skills with a banana. I would trust nobody else to handle my nation’s plums and cucumbers than Mr. Whitaker.
- MCV for their assistance in spreading the word of Let’s Play Video Game’s launch. While my involvement was more than enough to garner the interest of the realms below, on the surface they proved to be of much help.
- Jim “Fucking” Sterling “Son” has been appointed as Archdeacon of The Undercarriage for his religious services. I would thank God for him, but let’s be real: God thanks me for my own existence. There’s a hierarchy at play here. I am saying I am above God. Me > God > Jim Sterling.
I, Mole Queen of the Subterranean UK and her neighbouring territories, unifier of the Antlings of Muddy Dusseldorf, First Of Her Name, wish all of you a very merry Undermas, Christmas, Hannukkah, Festivus, Period of the Glacier Monarch or whatever you decide to celebrate. May your new year be delightful and peaceful, for come February I will own your entire life.