Is it me? Is it something wrong with me? Do you have some sort of personal vendetta against me and my happiness? Because I’m beginning to think you do, so I wanted to clear the air a bit.
Winston is one of the characters I spend the most time playing as in Overwatch. He’s fun to play, sure, but mostly he’s absolutely adorable. He’s a dorky gorilla boy who is just so eager to chill with his teammates and he’s such a sweetheart. I love him, you did a good job on making him. Nice on, Blizzard.
I also have a liking for anything monster-y. Fur, tusks, fangs, claws, anything like that is very much part of my “aesthetic”. Hell, do I need to show you my shelf that’s dedicated to memorabilia Sulley from Monster’s Inc.? Because I can if you want me to, it’s no problem at all. But just so we’re clear: monsters are very good.
So imagine my delight when I saw one of your festive skins is a yeti-themed Winston. He’s got cute tusks, looks grumpy as all heck and is covered in thick, white fur. As we’ve already established, this is very much in line with the sort of style I like. Winston was already perfect, but somehow you improved on him and made him even more cute.
I never bought your loot boxes before, because I’ve got plenty of hang-ups about buying a game for £30 and then shelling out for randomised microtransactions later on. I looked past my concerns as soon as I was confronted with my perfect yeti child and splashed out on frankly far too many loot boxes. I’m not saying I’ve had to sell a kidney or anything, but I’ve had to sell a kidney and the operation starts in about twelve hours. That’s how much I needed Yeti Winston.
And so I sat, staring down the barrel of 33 winter-themed loot boxes, any of which could contain my gorilla pal’s hot new duds. I opened each, savouring the moment. I did get some cool stuff: the Zenyatta nutcracker, Roadhog’s cute reindeer skin, Tracer’s elf get-up, and enough sprays and emotes to sink a fleet of battleships. What I didn’t get, though, was the Yeti Winston.
This is why I ask if it’s me. Have I done something to hurt you, Blizzard? Is it because I didn’t renew my World of Warcraft subscription, or I didn’t play enough Heroes of the Storm for you to justify leaping into an already overly busy genre like the Moba? Is it because I mentioned one time that I’m bad at RTS and so couldn’t follow your many Starcraft 2 tournaments easily? Because if so, I am very, very sorry.
Please Blizzard, it’s Christmas. A time of giving, of charity and of joy. Of loving your fellow human, no matter what bizarre obsession with grumpy-looking monsters they may or may not have. Look within yourself and you’ll see that while I may not deserve this skin, I do need it. I need it to justify selling vital organs, and I need it before I develop a gambling addiction in the name of a virtual gorilla.
Thank you for your time, I hope you’re able to do the right thing.
PS. Also please make Roadrat canon. Those boys are gay, you know it, I know it, let’s stop pretending they’re not.