I’ve been ill for an entire month now, with no sign of it getting better any time soon. I’m tired, I have headaches, I feel sick, I can’t eat, and I can’t remember the last time I had a decent night sleep. Am I dying? Is this it? Is this the end? Probably.

Before the void takes my disease-riddled body, though, let’s take a look at some game diseases I’d much rather have.


The Plague – Dishonored

The rat-based plague weirdly began in the poorer districts and not the docks, where you’d expect horrible diseases to be introduced first. There are methods of prevention and cure, and there are a very small number of people with natural resistance, but on the whole anybody who gets infected eventually become a Weeper.

The Weepers are shambling shells of their formers selves, living in the abandoned districts of Dunwall once contracting the plague. Discolouration, coughing and reduced mental functioning are all things Weepers get to enjoy before they haemorrhage from the eyes and drop dead in agony, usually alone and ready to be devoured by swarming rats.


The Dollar Flu – The Division

The Dollar Flu (or the Green Poison) is a 3D-printed enhanced version of the smallpox virus. It comes with everything that was horrible about the original virus, including fever, fatigue, back pain, vomiting, and then large, scabby, pus-filled bumps all over your body. And then you die, just to top it off.

Fortunately, smallpox was eradicated in 1979, being the first infectious disease ever to have been wiped out. That didn’t stop a scientist with a genetic printer and concerns about the planet’s overpopulation though, as he made the Green Poison to fill the niche.

More infectious, quickly mutating, faster-progressing and deadlier than normal smallpox, it was the perfect bio-weapon to release on an unsuspecting New York. It’s rumoured that approximately 95% of the population of the city has been killed by it, leading to huge, underground morgues needing to be made in subway tunnels to store the bodies.

Cool, dark, quiet… lovely, lovely subway morgues.


The Green Flu – Left 4 Dead

The disease that ruined the world during Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2 is perhaps the closest to how I feel right now.

Much like the Dollar Flu, the Green Flu isn’t at all related to the influenza virus. Instead, it’s a mutation of the rabies virus that spreads through bites and scratches, and progresses much quicker than the original disease. It causes inflammation of the brain, fever, headaches, and later on paralysis, agitation, hallucinations and even comas.

Green Flu-positive individuals are pale, averse to bright lights and sounds, and are constantly seen coughing up all sorts of awful goo. They’re incredibly irritable too, wishing death on anybody who may come close, and sometimes even turning on fellow infected. So it’s pretty much me at the moment.

Much like rabies proper, once symptoms show there is almost zero chance of survival. People have survived rabies through a procedure called the Milwaukee protocol, but it’s massively rare.

While these three disease all sound horrible, they all have something in common which doesn’t make them quite as bad as my situation right now. Sure, they promise either death or a fate worse than it, but they don’t make you wake up at 3AM and hate the sight of food for five fucking weeks straight.

Please send help.

Joe is LPVG’s resident hardware nerd. If it’s overpriced and has gaudy RGB lighting, he’s probably drooling over it. He loves platformers, MMOs, RPGs, hack ‘n slashers and FPS, with his favourite games being Mirror’s Edge, Left 4 Dead, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Oblivion and Dead Space. Don’t ask him about his unhealthily large Monsters Inc memorabilia collection. Seriously, just don’t ask…