It’s Orctober! That wonderful month of the year where we celebrate all that is big, angry, and tusky. Gather around the Orc tree as we open the gifts ol’ Santa Cl-orc-s left for us the night before.

It is a time not just for family and giving, but also a time to take stock of those beautiful burly boys in our lives and truly appreciate what they can offer us.

So here’s to the Orcs. In no particular order because all Orcs are special, here’s to all of my Orc husbands.

ggorom

Ggorom – Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim

It’s incredibly difficult to pin down a favourite orc in Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim. There are so many wonderful boys on offer, orcs of all different sizes and colours and backgrounds.

Ferdag is lovely and Sithig is wonderful, Domnol is dreamy and Ror is a cutie… but I think if I had to make a decision, it’d be for the endlessly smoochable selkie, Ggorom. Ggorom is big, he’s blue, and he’s quite literally a fish out of water, exploring the dry land that is fairly alien to him.

I don’t know about you, but I would want to hold his hand as we explore this new and confusing world together. Maybe one day we settle down in a picturesque lighthouse together. The light dancing over the waves he enjoys so much as I sit on the shore, taking in the salty breeze.

Ggorom: One Of Many Sensible Tusks Choices.

Disclosure: I back developer Mitch Alexander’s Patreon campaign, which funds the development of Tusks. Mainly because Ggorom is so goshdarn cute.

arkail

Arkail – Of Orcs and Men

With a nickname like “The Butcher of Bay Harbor”, Arkail may initially seem like a dangerous choice of Orc Husband. He’s temperamental to say the least, but if you look beyond that brutish exterior you’ll find a soft, gentle heart of gold.

For one, Arkail has been able to get on with almost anybody. Even throughout his mission to save his race against the prejudiced human, elven and dwarfish empires, Arkail makes friends with all sorts of people, with Arkence the Mage and the Goblin Styx being just two of them. He leads an Orcish uprising in the mines, too, proving he can be a strong leader when he needs to be.

Arkail’s journey through the human empire proves that he is dedicated to the cause. Whether that be to save his people or to be your loving husband, it’s clear that he will put 100% of his attention on what matters most.

Also he can double up as a nice bed/sofa if need be. Dude’s massive.

thrall

Thrall – Warcraft

Thrall is a complicated individual.

On the one hand his goals of making the Horde a more noble, liberal society come into conflict with his actions of putting Garrosh bleedin’ Hellscream in control, and as a result very nearly causing a genocide, which makes it look like he might not have the soundest judgement in the world.

But on the other hand, it’s clear that everything he did, he did for the good of his family – The Horde. While what he did wasn’t a spectacularly good idea, it came from a place of duty and humility. He stood aside for numerous others to take control of the Horde because he felt they could do a better job, and in the process he became a calmer, more spiritual person.

Out of all of the orcs here, Thrall would probably be one of the most dependable husbands you could pick. Arkail has a bit of a temper, Ggorom longs for the sea, and Ratbag is well… he’s Ratbag, while Thrall knows the importance of family and honour. He’d do right by you, he’d care for you, he’d do anything to protect you. While he may have not been a great human resources manager, he’d make an excellent lover.

Not to mention his fashion is on point. Seriously, Shaman Thrall? Such style.

ratbag

Ratbag – Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor

Ratbag doesn’t have the strength of Arkail, the duty of Thrall or the smoochability of Ggorom. He’s not exactly a looker either. Yet I think with a bit of effort on both parts, he could make an excellent husband.

By working with Talion, Ratbag manages to rise through the Uruk ranks all the way to Warchief. It may have been sneaky and conniving, but it does show that if anything, Ratbag is a people person. He understands society, and he understands Talion.

Talion was a brutal, Uruk-murdering machine when they met, and Ratbag managed to sway him over into helping him. With a bit of work, Ratbag’s vulpine qualities could make for a husband that really, genuinely understands you.

Ratbag is the husband you could sit down and talk to after a busy day at work while sharing a nice bottle of wine in front of Coronation Street. His entire attitude appears to be “a problem shared is a problem halved”, and so he’d be more than willing to help you through the stresses of the day.

Ratbag is not just a lover. He’s a true life partner. If he didn’t get squashed by the Hammer of Sauron, that is.

Remember: an Orc is for life, not just for Orctober. There are many fine tuskboys out there waiting to be smooched, but they’ll still be there in the Werewolf month of Awoogust and the Cat-hybrid Nyanuary too. Please don’t forget about your Orc.

Joe is LPVG’s resident hardware nerd. If it’s overpriced and has gaudy RGB lighting, he’s probably drooling over it. He loves platformers, MMOs, RPGs, hack ‘n slashers and FPS, with his favourite games being Mirror’s Edge, Left 4 Dead, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Oblivion and Dead Space. Don’t ask him about his unhealthily large Monsters Inc memorabilia collection. Seriously, just don’t ask…

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