Overwatch is a game that’s success has almost entirely been built on a colourful and diverse roster of characters. Pink-haired bodybuilding ladies who I both fear and want to be, Robot monks who are friends with literally everyone, and even plucky time-hopping British irritations.
More importantly, it’s chock-full of prime boyfriend material. Here are the top five Overwatch boys I would let take me on a date.
I have to admit, Hanzo only just eeks his way onto the list, and it’s almost entirely on looks alone. He’s a bit too serious and miserable for me, and frankly I don’t think being the head of a crime family and having to seemingly murder your own brother is a good enough reason for being such a sourpuss.
Fortunately, Mr. Grumpypants looks just swell. His ponytail is wonderful, he’s not afraid to show off his muscles, and his eyebrows exude a quiet but unrelenting power that arouses many feelings.
Hanzo, you’re an utter arsehole and I can’t stand you, but at least you’re hot.
Just look at him. Tall, strong, handsome, mature and fun-loving, Reinhardt is a complete package. His entire schtick is being the great protector, so just imagine how he’d be with someone he really cares for. He’s been around the block a few times too, so you’d expect for him to know how to treat a lover right. Right?
The reason Reinhardt isn’t higher on this list is because he’s a workaholic, and for all the wrong reasons. He’s getting on a bit in years now, but there doesn’t seem to be any sign of him slowing down, and it isn’t even to provide a future for his potential dearest boyfriend, either. He spends all day, every day selfishly chasing fame and longing for his former glory.
He just might not have the time to put the effort into a relationship that’s required, and I ain’t playing second fiddle to a hammer.
Now we’re talking. McCree is just the right amount of rugged and dangerous: just rugged enough to make my ugliness stick out like a sore thumb, and not dangerous enough to actually get me killed. Being his lover would be a mix of wild adventure and warm, cosy nights.
We’d sit on the front porch of our cattle ranch after a hard day’s work, feeling that warm Texas air on our faces as we watch the sunset together. We’d then retire to our little wooden lodge, he’d finally get out of the silly cowboy getup, and we’d snuggle together in bed.
The only problem is that the entire internet would hate me because I’m not Hanzo… seriously people really want McCree and Hanzo to hook up.
Let’s get the obvious flaw out of the way: Winston’s not human. He’s a gorilla. In most parts of the world marrying a gorilla is frowned upon or even illegal, which means Winston is definitely one of the harder sells of the bunch.
To that, I point out Overwatch is set in a world where robots and humans live side-by-side. Winston single-handedly invented a device that could lock Tracer into the correct timestream, and he lives and maintains his own space-base. If wanting to marry this kind, eloquent genius is wrong because of species divides, then so god-damn be it.
Winston is a dorky sweetheart who is entirely driven by his need for companionship. He was a central figure of the Overwatch team back in the day, worked tirelessly to save Tracer, and even triggered the recall of agents that caused the events of the game itself. He’s different to anything else on Earth, which for a post-singularity world is saying a lot.
Yes, he’s a gorilla, and yes that would come with some marital difficulties. But not everything has to be about just the physical, does it? An engaging, intellectual and loving heart is behind that gorilla-y exterior, and frankly, that is all that matters.
My friend. My boy. My special buddy. My wonderful porkchop. Roadhog is the apex of Overwatch husbands, and none shall ever even come close to comparing to him. There may be four other boys on this list, but they’re simply a formality; Mako “Roadhog” Rutledge is where it’s at.
Mako has been the victim of an unfair hate campaign designed to wreck his image. An eco-warrior who wanted nothing more than to protect his home, ‘Hog’s been branded as a vicious and heartless serial killer, which isn’t true. Just look at him.
No serial killer ever would have quite the affinity for cute piggies Roadie does. Have you ever seen a post-apocalyptic raider take the time out of his busy schedule of pillaging and plundering to stick a bit of fancy nail polish on? Or put his hair neatly into a ponytail (seriously, what is it with Overwatch and fab ponytails? Do you think Hogs and Hanzo trade tips)? No. Neither have I.
The fact of the matter is Roadhog is a gentle soul who will do anything to protect what he loves. He’s worked tirelessly to protect his client/second boyfriend, Junkrat, from his own stupidity. And he’s done all of it with zero complaints and a stitched-on smile on his mask.
Roadhog is safe. He’s supportive. He’s soft-spoken. He loves animals. He has a knack with machinery. That’s the sort of man whose arms I’d happily fall asleep in every night, and if a few people want to call him a relentless murderer because they’re jealous they’re not him, then they can all go to hell.
So, who is your top Overwatch lover, and why is it Roadhog? Let me know in the comments below.